Companion Guide to “How to Be a Better Partner”

Let’s start here:

Your husband isn’t an insensitive asshole. He just plays one on TV.

I wrote a book for him on how to be a better partner. I even illustrated it and kept it short.

If your first thought was, “oh, he REALLY needs to read this!” and your second thought was, “there is absolutely NO way in hell he will read it,” then this guide is for you.

I am going to give you conversation-starters and other ways to get around defensiveness.

I want to be fair here. I want to tell you that you just don’t understand what each other needs. But I can’t argue that he is just as stressed as you. Your overwhelm is not the same as his feeling of being under-appreciated.

He has a feeling. You are stuck in a maze.

I know how husband-father stress feels. I have been there.

I also know it’s different for wives-mothers. Your list doesn’t stop there. You are also -cook-cleaner-appointment scheduler-pet wrangler and the list goes on.

My list stopped at husband-father-breadwinner but those three roles placed enormous stress on my shoulders. I had never felt so much pressure, like my time was not my own. Still, I always held onto my space to decompress and I made sure I had me-time.

You don’t have the room to do that. I had flexibility that you probably don’t have. I had choices of how to spend my time and do self-care. It’s not fair that I had choices but my wife did not.

Guys will talk about a division of labor but they don’t account for the invisible labor you put in. Just saying so doesn’t make it equivalent.

So we agree: he needs to read my book … or take a class on The Mental Load … or something. Because the amount of stuff you need to manage is unsustainable.

If you’re wondering how to get your partner to shoulder more of the burden, here is the big question you need to answer:

How do I start these difficult conversations?

To make this work, you will need to create a non-judgmental zone where you and your partner each feel comfortable discussing your perspectives and exploring solutions. That’s a lot to do without coaching. If you need my help, contact me here.

To do this yourself, click on the headline below that applies to you. It will reveal some prompts and suggestions:

CLICK HERE to understand why your partner might be reluctant to engage in the conversation.

• They might not understand what “mental load” is or see the impact on you and your relationship. If they don’t see or feel the imbalance, they may not see it as relevant.
• They might see gender roles more traditionally, and feel like you have a logical structure to the way you divide up your labor. They may even view certain tasks as primarily the woman’s domain. Understand that challenging these beliefs can put them in uncomfortable or unfamiliar territory.
• They may take criticism as a judgment of current behavior or capabilities, leading them to feel inadequate.

CLICK HERE for ways to delay defensiveness.

• Ask your partner about their role in the relationship and the division of responsibilities.
• Explore their personal values and beliefs surrounding the relationship, family dynamics, and gender roles.
• Difficult feelings are common and not a sign of weakness. Normalize the emotions they may be experiencing, such as frustration, confusion, or even discomfort when discussing certain topics.
• Focus on the ways you already collaborate in the relationship rather than your differences or stuck points.

CLICK HERE for conversation starters.

• “Can we talk about the chores this weekend? You have been a big help but I’m feeling overwhelmed and I know you see it. I want to know what’s bothering you, too.”
• “I figured out why I am so irritated after the kids go to bed. I read about the Mental Load and it explains a lot. Can I send you this thing I read?” (send a cartoon called, You should’ve asked).
• “I’m worried about the example we’re setting for the kids.” OR “I’m worried that we are too busy and can’t give the kids the attention they need.”

When you do get to sit down, CLICK HERE for ideas to make the conversation successful.

• Take it slow! As frustrated as you may be, you won’t be able to solve this all at once.
• Instead of waiting until “chill time” in the evening after the kids are asleep, aim to have any big conversations with your partner earlier in the day, when you are better able to communicate and they are better able to listen.
• Ask yourself, “How can I let my partner talk about what’s really bothering them without having to manage their reaction?”
• Honest and open communication is crucial. You can’t get anywhere until you create a safe space to express desires and set boundaries.
• Find Common Ground. Look for overlaps between what you and your partner desire. Find aspects that align with their interests. This can bridge gaps and make it more inviting for them to communicate.

P.S. Will you help me make this guide better? I know that you have a goldmine of experience. When you try the ideas above, I want to know what you learned, even if it didn’t go well. If you are willing to share, I want to hear your story!

P.P.S. If you feel like you are the Under-appreciated Partner and you have read this far, congratulations for managing your defenses with grace. Do you worry about the stress your partner is carrying? CLICK HERE if you are looking for some ideas to begin the conversation.

• Everyone has a perspective that is valid and worthy of consideration, even if it is different than yours. Understanding their foundational beliefs can provide insights into why certain issues may be sensitive or challenging for your partner.
• Validate your partner’s feelings and experiences without immediately critiquing or challenging them. You can establish trust by showing genuine interest in your partner’s concerns.
• Avoid assigning fault or making assumptions about intentions. Talk about the goals you share.
• Ask yourself, “How can I let my partner talk about what’s really bothering them without feeling like I have to solve their problem?”
• Practice listening to each other’s viewpoints without interrupting or immediately responding. Reflect back on what your partner just said to ensure understanding.
• If you haven’t read “How to Be a Better Partner: A Brief Illustrated Guide for Dads,” I suggest you at least check out the introduction and the first section called Grab & Go.
• If you have read the book, share it with a friend to start a conversation about being a better partner. Extra Credit: see if you can get a few friends to talk about what they have tried. When you expand the number of people with whom you can talk about these ideas, it’s like you hired a board of advisors: you increase how effective you can be in making a change in your own life.