The Kick-Ass Blog

Here I sit after a few weeks of feeling paralyzed, recalling the ups and downs from my School for Superheroes story. Since 2015, there have been more successes and knock-downs.

I can see the difference in myself from then to now. I have been able to expand my stamina to be vulnerable and to take risks. My resilience has grown stronger to taking hits like these.

Most importantly, I have learned what to do when I get stuck.

I sweep in on a wave of adrenaline, like a 2nd grader who strides over and punches a bully in the nose. I felt bold. The plan looked great on paper. Yay me! But once the punch was thrown… , my nervous system did what nervous systems have done for millennia: beyond my control, I froze.

Not fight. Not flee. FROZE.

I knew I was in trouble. Alarm bells were firing off in my head. “Now, without saying anything, look in your partner’s eyes. When I start the music, I want you to keep eye contact and dance toward each other in slow motion.” Locking eyes with my partner Tonya Cornelisse for two straight minutes, being vulnerable AND on a stage, snapped me back to the least confident version of myself. Fighting to keep eye contact, I turned into the shy 10-year-old I used to be.

Life lasts longer than a 90 day sprint. In real life, despite our best efforts, we gain all the weight back. It makes you wonder why you bother at all. In fact, relying on just your willpower is worse than doing nothing because each failure chips away at your confidence. Why go to all the effort to create a new life that you hate?

I brush myself off and get back up again, only to make the same mistake from high school, but in the opposite direction! I see that life is longer than a sprint so I take a longer view. I decide, “Life isn’t a sprint. It’s really a marathon!” Spreading my willpower over 90 days instead of 30, I commit the same mental error, same result.

It doesn’t matter how confident I feel on the outside. There is always an internal voice, working overtime to steer me away from things that might cause me harm. And apparently that inner guide sometimes takes me back to middle school! Is he really just trying to keep me safe?…or is he just traumatized by past crises?