This question is the biggest challenge: how to get my book into the hands and thoughts and actions of the people who need to read it the most.
If you have tried to start the conversation and your partner got defensive, I have some ideas for you!
You may feel like you have no idea how to broach the subject without the conversation spiraling out of control. Or maybe you are reluctant to talk about rebalancing the responsibilities because:
You don’t want to manage the whole transfer process. It’s too much work to train your partner. In the end, you might wonder why you even tried.
You don’t want to create a conflict and get angry. So you settle for the low-boil of resentment.
Here is the game that we inherited: you inch your way across the Balance Beam of Daily Family Life, until you lose your footing and fall off the side.
If you are frustrated that you are always carrying 90 percent of the workload, you likely fall off the side of Overwhelm, pulled down by your exhaustion and resentment.
At the same time, your partner feels like they are doing all they can, at maximum capacity, but it’s never good enough. They fall off the side of Under-Appreciated, pulled down by feeling helpless and criticized.
As the Overwhelmed Partner, you don’t see the value of asking your partner to do more:
- You expect they will get defensive and reject your plea for help.
- If they do offer to help, making the effort to change even one thing will become another project for you.
- You have enough to do without asking, re-asking, and reminding.
- In the end, you feel resigned to carrying the mental load for the whole family.
The Under-Appreciated Partner doesn’t see the value in making any additional effort. If they do feel momentarily appreciated, they expect you to treat their additional contribution as a drop in the bucket. They know that you are overwhelmed but the Under-Appreciated Partner feels helpless to make changes that will provide any relief.
When you carry the bulk of the responsibility for the family, you are at risk for burnout, anxiety, and resentment. Holding everything in mind (aka, the Mental Load):
- Makes it harder to be present with your kids.
- Relationships suffer from less desire for intimacy.
- Family well-being takes a hit when kids feel less secure because their parents aren’t aligned.
If you are tired of playing “the game,” you don’t have to play the roles of the overwhelmed or under-appreciated partner.
The key to successfully navigating the Balance Beam of Daily Family Life is to avoid getting on the balance beam in the first place!
When you keep off the balance beam:
- You don’t need to keep score.
- You don’t need to feel defensive.
- You get more down time.
- When you do something, you see the value in it for both of you.
- You assume the best intentions, seeing any slip-up as an accident.
- You have more time and energy because you are working together as a unit.
- Your kids are happier and you feel more hopeful about the future.
How this can look:
“If I notice there’s something that I can pick up the slack on, I just do it. My partner does plenty, so I don’t expect her to thank me for contributing. I don’t see it as tit for tat, either. There are some things that I notice, so I do them. And there are things she notices, so she does them. I also think one of us might care about specific things, so they are more likely to take on that job. But you also have to think about what your partner cares about and help out there, too, if you want your partner to be happy. Which we all should.”
“I’ve internalized a sort of ‘benefit of the doubt’ approach. Rather than ask her to do things when I want them done, I trust she wants to be a good partner and roommate and co-parent and will do things when she can.”
“It’s nice to acknowledge when your partner is doing something that makes your life better. Say ‘thank you.’ It’s nice to feel like your efforts are appreciated, even if that’s not the reason you are doing the chore.”
“We talked about things changing in the future as work and responsibilities may change. That helped us stop getting so petty and score-keeping. We both do a lot and we both feel like we’re stretching.”
Are you ready to stop keeping score and start working together as a team? When you stop assigning blame, you can get to a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship for both of you.
In my new book, “How to Be a Better Partner: A Brief Illustrated Guide for Dads,” you’ll discover practical strategies and relatable stories. I also created a Companion Guide to help you start the difficult conversations that will lead you to the partnership you both deserve.
photo credit: Tamarcus Brown/Unsplash
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